Formative Years

What formed you? Your life experiences, your childhood, your upbringing. There are certain times in your life that it really matters what your environment is. Today I want to tell you a little bit about a important part of mine. When I was in the 6 and 7 th grades my cousin came to live with us. He had been kicked out at 17 and my mom took him in. He didn't have the easiest life and had lived with various family members at this point. This is a important time in a girls life. I had just started my period and was developing and really growing up. So when J* came to live with us I was in that strange woman/child phase. J was the best cousin ever at this point. He liked the same stuff as me clothes, music, etc. Someone I could relate to, as a only child I was always craving having someone around my age to relate to. Also J really related to me, see J wanted to be a girl. He was gay and wanted to live as a transgender. The first time he dressed in drag he wore my clothes and I helped him fill baggies with rice from the pantry and he used my bra. J worked at a fast food restaurant and had already quit school. He was at this point dating the local high schools quarter back. Yeah that was a big keep my mouth shut secret. We are in the South high school quarterbacks aren't supposed to be gay. At least that's the going opinion, not mine. So J and I shared clothes and makeup. I had the best hair and makeup in school, J got up every morning and did both for me and then went back to bed, since he worked late nights closing at work. Think big hair! I rocked it. He had just started taking hormones in his journey in becoming a woman and one time I called my mom crying from the skating rink to come pick me up. See I had his brand new Z Cavaricci jeans on and started my period in them. Just in time for the nightly couple skate with my crush. I kept asking my mom couldn't we just convince J that he started his period and the hormones really worked. Thankfully mom got the stain out before he got home from work that night and other than the couple skate and perhaps my first kiss that never was all was well. So this was my life during this time. Not typical but it was how I grew up. I guess my point here is what shapes you? What formed you into the person you are? I was raised with tolerance and respect for gay people, transgenders, etc. Not being societies version of normal is normal for me. I can only imagine what it would be like to be raised by people who have hate in their hearts. I am thankful that I was raised the way I was, and I would not have it any other way. To this day every drag queen I see gets me excited. Its a art doing hair, makeup, dressing up and being someone else. I enjoy watching drag shows and every time I am near a bar that has them I make sure I go at least once. Oh and in case you wonder about J, all is good he is now mostly a she and has lived as a woman for a long time and is in a great relationship.

Old Skool

I have been having a bit of a blast to the past lately. Blame it on watching Black to the Future on vh1. It got me thinking about things that was going on in the 90's, things they didn't bring up on the show that were from that era. I was working some McHammer pants with shiny shoes. Wearing a cross colors tee shirt and who can forget the duck head shorts the boys wore. Listening to some TLC and watching 90210. You know you watched it and you wanted to slap Brenda. I was not the only one! Hyper color tee shirts. Jordans had just came out and you could not believe a boy in middle school would wear $100 shoes. That was pimping right there! Your ass cut a lot of grass for those shoes. Dr. Dre the chronic was the coolest thing ever and Snoop Dogg was amazing. Metallica came out with the black album and blew everyone away. I remember eating taco bell and watching a year and half in the life of Metallica with my friend Rick on VHS, cause we didn't have dvds then. I seen Pearl Jam when they were huge and Eddie Vedder puked on me. Clear pepsi! It tasted like pepsi yet it just sorta didn't cause it was clear and it sorta freaked you out. Speaking of all that music I was listening to, I had a 6 disc cd changer with a double tape deck in my room that way you could record off the radio or from a friend's tape. I also had the coveted sony discman. I wore flannel shirts and doc martians. I also had vans. I was playing Dr. Mario, Street Fighter, Sonic the Hedgehog, Mortal Combat, and Sim City. I watched Beavis and Butthead and Ren and Stimpy. I ate ranch corn nuts and jolly ranchers. I watched the LA Riots and the OJ trial. I read Rolling Stone and Fangoria. I painted my toe nails black because my best friends mom, aka the former hippie, told us that's what they did. We wanted to be hippies so bad. My walls were covered in posters of Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, half naked men and Steve Urkel. I listened to Nine inch nails on the radio. This was what my life was like before boys really came into it. The last half of the nineties was spent wasting my time with boys. It wasn't near as cool as the first half.

Updating

I did go get my drivers license. I did fudge a little bit on my weight. According to my new license I have lost 5 pounds since I moved to Mobile. Funny I am pants size bigger since then but whatever. The whole point of the drivers license was so I could get a library card. So I go off to run my errands for the day and I am all done. So I decide to pop over to the dmv and get my license so I can finally get some books. I am a total bookworm and I go through books like crazy. I can't afford not to have a library card. Really trust me! So off Ryan and I got to the dmv. It doesn't look so bad from the outside I figured all those cars could not be for the dmv there were other buildings around. So we walk in and stand in line for about 15 mins and then we get our number. We find a seat the last seat and I try to convince Ryan that he could sit in my lap rather than play hotwheels on the dirty floor. He was playing out in the yard before we left that morning so I figured he wasn't going to get much dirtier. That might have been wishful thinking but whatever. So about 30 minutes into our wait, not total wait time mind you just the wait time since we got our number. I remember that I might need my glasses. Its a source of pride that I don't have a corrective lenses restriction on my license. I had a feeling my luck was about to run out. I have had to wear my glasses while driving for a while now and I have no clue how I passed it when we moved to Alabama. So Ryan and I run back outside to grab my glasses and of course in the 46 seconds we were gone we lost our seat. Hmmprh! So we are standing and waiting. Then we get our seat back and we wait some more. Then all of a sudden they start calling people really fast they are flying through the numbers. They call us and off we go. I am now trying to convince Ryan that he has to be quit since people are testing and I need to concentrate on what I was doing. So he finds a chair and proceeds to make the most annoying hot wheels car noises you have ever heard. I think he was having engine trouble that day. Can I just take a side note here to explain that there are three places you should never have to take your children. The gyno, the dmv, and the social security office. Never! So I get my paperwork approved and I go to take the vision test. Yeah I could not see anything without my glasses. Dammit! I have failed. I had to take the test with my glasses. So much for that. So I am all ready to go, they take a unflattering picture, and I go sit back down to wait for my license to come out. And I wait. And I wait some more. I pay my bills that were stuck in my purse. I organize my wallet. I played hot wheels with Ryan and I reapplied my lipgloss. What the hell???? The machine was out of laminate. OMG! Ryan is whining he is tired of waiting. I am tired of waiting. This is like a 3 hour ordeal at this point. So finally they get the refill in the machine and print out another guys license who was there after me. Are you fucking kidding me? I was beyond pissed at this point. Yes lets make sure the guy with no child who got there a hour after me gets out of here first. I finally get my license and get out of there. So I take Ryan out to lunch and finally its library time. I have waited 4 months to get my card. Every time I tried to go to the dmv I had a sick kid, a swollen face, it was a holiday, always something. I was so excited to have a local license and get my card. So I filled out my application and the lady tells me I should get my cards in the mail tomorrow. HUH? You don't need a local license for a card? Oh no you just fill out the paper and we mail them to the address you provided. No you can't check out books today, no I don't want to see your drivers license with a local address. I could have got these cards 4 fucking months ago! I was able to fill out the paper for my husband and my kids they didn't even have to show up. What kind of back asswards town does shit like this? Doesn't even look to see if I am who I say I am? OMG! I lost my shit right there in the library. I was way to loud and I could not help it. I am surprised she didn't rip up my application and ban me. I was so frustrated. Four hours in the dmv, four months of waiting and all I had to do was fill out a piece of paper. So maybe I should have look at their policy but I just assumed that they were like every other library in the freaking world. So I just took my tired, frustrated, defeated ass home with no books.

It has came to my atttention

It has came to my attention that I have let my blog go. Yes I realize I have not made a post in over three weeks. My blog is not the only thing in my life I am letting go to shit. I have been trying to get things taken care of around the house and dealing with yet more dental drama. Abscess tooth and root canal anyone??? So forgive me if I fail to entertain the masses with my thrilling writing skills. Sometimes things in my life just come and go and blogging appears to be one of them. I will try to get back to a more regular blogging schedule. I am working on the house for the next two days and I hope to be all caught up by this weekend. Cause I have a appt to go get my hair done and I am not going to feel guilty while I am sitting in a chair childless getting pampered! So anyhoo that's whats up with me. If my teeth and my house ever decided to cooperate I will be better about blogging. Oh and a word to my mother in law it wasn't only you who was telling me I needed to blog! I always wanted to say word to your mother! I really need to let the 90's go.

Liar Liar

I am usually against lying. I will say a small white lie is not a big deal. But I usually don't tell them. I am that friend that will tell you butt looks big in those pants but I will spend hours helping you find the exact right pair. So I am honest person, sometimes brutally. But I don't mean harm. So here is my issue. When is it ok to lie? See I am going to be considering lying this week. On a official document at that. Yes I am aware its illegal. But let me defend myself. Do you ever tell the truth about your weight? See I am going to get a new drivers license in my new state and I am about to tell a whopper when I fill in the weight box. I could understand if I was interfering with my weight so much the police could not identify me. But really would it hurt them to make it multiply choice? Like check this box for 100lbs to 200lbs. That would really make my life easier and you could still get the general idea of what I weighed. I have nightmares about going to the DMV and there being big scales down there with people sitting on benches finger pointing and laughing at me.

Small Town Life

Living in a small town now so I don't get out much. To be honest there is no where to go. Today was my off day. My kids get out of school early every Wednesday and I usually wear sweat pants all day since I don't go anywhere other than the carpool at the school. So today I had just finished with Ryan's school work, we home school our youngest for any newbies lurking around, and we were settling down for a snack and a CSI New York marathon when my hubby calls. He wants us to meet him for lunch. So I was like sure let me get dressed. I take off my sweats, slap on some make up and out the door I go. We are a little early, the restaurant had not opened up yet so we walked around the shopping center. You know how it is new town trying to figure out what everything is and where it is at. Let me take a minute to say this is a brand new Mexican restaurant its really nice and decorated amazing! So next door was the MDOT office and parole office. Umm ok! No joke it had all these signs about if you owe Officer so and so money go to Western Union to make your payment or go to jail and if you pants are sagging you will be arrested. I was amazed. I had never seen such thing. Needless to say if my boys ever get in trouble they will be hurting because their pants are always falling off their nonexistent asses. They got it from their Daddy. So we mosey on over to the next store. Its a furniture store, this has promise. We walk in and we are greeted by a very nicely dressed man. We browse around the store, since we are actually shopping around for a coffee table at the moment. Then we make a loop sorta and are in the back of the store. I had seen a woman walking around but I didn't see her up close. So we walk by a office and I did a double take and then a triple take. There was a pimp in the office. He had on a pimp hat, nice suit, shiny ass shoes the whole nine yards. I had noticed how nicely dressed the salesman was but this guy took the cake. Think pimp on his way to church. This man was dressed up! So then I get a good look at the woman. She walked by us on our way out the store and made a comment about how we could leave our son if we wanted. Yeah cause we go into furniture stores looking for places to leave our kids. She was pretty spectacular in her own right. Homegirl had on some painted on eyebrows in the chola style, bleached blonde hair complete with four inches of black roots, red sweater dress, and high heeled stripper boots. I can't say for sure that all they were selling was furniture but I am never amazed at what all you can see in such a small town. Who needs a big city when you can see such amazing sites at the local furniture store? Oh and the icing on the cake after we were done with lunch I was at the red light leaving the shopping center and the pimp was in his Cadillac picking his teeth with a toothpick, yeah I couldn't make this shit up. I will so be buying my new furniture at their store.

What do you miss most?

When you lose someone what you do miss most about them? Spending time with them, their companionship, the fun, the secrets? Well it has been six years since one of my best friends passed. To be honest I miss most the fact that I have no one on this earth who can understand certain jokes. When you lose someone you lose so much. It has taken me years to come to terms with her death by her own hand and I don't believe she will ever know how hard it is for me. I feel so selfish. She had her reasons for why she took her life, ones that have never been shared with me. But I am still angry. Angry that she deprived me of her friendship, angry that my children do not get to know her, angry that I have jokes no one gets. I am angry at myself for not spending more of the precious time I had with her. Angry that we grew apart in the last two years of her life. Hindsight is a bitch. The whole self blame thing, if I would have been there more, if I would have listened, if I would have known. Guilt is so real sometimes you can taste it like a bitter pill you can't totally swallow and its just stuck in your throat. I miss her so much yet I am so angry with her for leaving me alone.