What do you miss most?

When you lose someone what you do miss most about them? Spending time with them, their companionship, the fun, the secrets? Well it has been six years since one of my best friends passed. To be honest I miss most the fact that I have no one on this earth who can understand certain jokes. When you lose someone you lose so much. It has taken me years to come to terms with her death by her own hand and I don't believe she will ever know how hard it is for me. I feel so selfish. She had her reasons for why she took her life, ones that have never been shared with me. But I am still angry. Angry that she deprived me of her friendship, angry that my children do not get to know her, angry that I have jokes no one gets. I am angry at myself for not spending more of the precious time I had with her. Angry that we grew apart in the last two years of her life. Hindsight is a bitch. The whole self blame thing, if I would have been there more, if I would have listened, if I would have known. Guilt is so real sometimes you can taste it like a bitter pill you can't totally swallow and its just stuck in your throat. I miss her so much yet I am so angry with her for leaving me alone.